Tonight I reached a breaking point that made me realize I need serious help for how depressed and suicidal I've been lately. For those of you that don't know me, I struggle with manic depression, anxiety, and OCD. At this point in my life, I have spent more years with mental illnesses tangibly present than I have without them. The treatment I've had so far hasn't been enough to sufficiently help me. Suicidal thoughts and the former two mental illnesses I listed have been something I've been fighting since I was nine years old. It's nothing new to me, but I've been so afraid of spending the rest of my life battling this soul-crushing trio of disorders that I couldn't bear to keep living any longer. My depression has been a lot worse lately, which factored heavily into this. I've been wanting to die and the fear of that has been tormenting me like you wouldn't believe. Something in me broke tonight and I realized that it was time to prioritize my mental health.
I still don't want to live and it'll take time for me to get past that, but I can't let that lead me to actually go through with killing myself. The people I love and care about would suffer the most and I don't want to hurt them in any way. As a first step, I started making a list of reasons to live. There's a range of things that go from not wanting my dog to miss me to getting to see movies I'm really excited about in theaters. Nothing is too small or too trivial to include. Anything that gives me a ray of sunshine to look forward to is more than enough. Looking back at this list when I'm too depressed to keep fighting will remind me of what's most important to keep living for. I'm going to try to find the will to live again and I need anything that might help me.
My New Year's resolution for 2019 is to get additional help for my mental illnesses and regain the will to live. There's so much I still want to do with my life and, truth be told, the idea of ending my life so soon frightens me and breaks my heart. It's become more important than ever that I continue living and get myself together. Every now and then, I'll probably blog about this struggle and I ask you to please bear with me. I appreciate any support and kindness you might send my way.
Lastly, I encourage anyone who's also struggling with mental illnesses and/or being suicidal to get help, too. You may find that you want to live more than you think you do. Find something that motivates you to keep going through the struggles. It may end up saving you.
Love,
Debbie
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