Of Grief and Lonely Midnights

 It's been a while, I know. I've been working through some things, just trying to survive while everything in my life is cold and complicated. Haven't yet figured out how to move forward, I'm afraid. I don't think I've talked about it much on here, but in the last four years I've had four family members die, plus one person close to me leaving. I am hopelessly lost. I never really knew just how much pain I could feel until I lost some of the people I loved most. Nothing even remotely makes sense to me about the way things are. None of it feels real or just, but it's there, haunting me in the silent dark of sleepless nights. Grief is an unfathomable thing. The more time goes by, the more I feel like something's wrong with me for still feeling this way. I know that there's no time limit for grief, but you would think there was with the way people scoff at you and chide you for not being "over it" by now. On top of that, the world doesn't let up for a minute or give me any sort of peace long enough to work through it. There's always more to endure, never giving me a moment to just breathe and properly mourn. All I know is that I'm struggling to survive when it seems like the world around me doesn't want me to. I haven't made it back into the light yet.

Grief is also an anger-inducing thing. My pain is mixed with rage. I have had so much stolen from me and more to be thieved away in the night. I just want answers. I want someone to make it make sense so maybe I can heal a little and not lay awake at night wanting to know why. I want someone to explain it because I don't understand why my loved ones had to die and leave. I keep thinking that if someone gives me the answers I need, maybe I'll be able to move forward. But there are no answers. No one is coming to tell me why or ease my pain. It's just me on my own, desperately trying to keep my head above water and not one person is going to come along to rescue me. I'm still struggling because I don't know how to live with this void in my life. I wish I could forget what was missing and live the rest of my life blissfully unaware that there used to be something so beautiful here.

These days I'm just trying to make it work, trying not to take it personally when another door closes. For the past four years, I've been afraid to get close to anyone because I don't get to hold onto people in my life. I always lose them in some way, be it tragedy or distance or reasons they keep from me. I guess first I need to save myself before I can think about trusting people again. For now, I'm trying to just live until I find some sort of peace. You'll find me in the dark, waiting for the sun to come up.