It’s been ages, hasn’t it? I know I tend to be away for long stretches, but I think I’m ready to start posting on here more. Give it a bit. Life’s busy. So, I’m here. In a happier state of mind after a pretty awful, punishing year, thankfully. Writing. Working. Exploring this amazing city in which I live. Thought I’d pop back in to write on a topic that’s been on my mind: Narcissists.(A personal subject for me considering, well…*gestures at my life and personal traumas*) They certainly lend themselves to many different points of discussion. I’m going to focus on their attempts to manipulate strangers into giving them sympathy over their estranged children. I got tired of seeing people online get fooled by them and even worse, insult their kids just because they never questioned the Nparent’s claims. Those kids suffered enough already, I promise you. Narcissists are the ultimate real-life Unreliable Narrator.
Where to begin? Ah, the red flags. Narcissists are all red flags and blame shifting. When they bring up the topic of their kids being no-contact to total strangers, the same red flags almost always show up. Let’s break this down:
The Blame Game: Usually a narcissist parent will not acknowledge any sort of blame or responsibility for their kids cutting contact. Their take on it is often to the tune of “I did so much for them, but they just didn’t appreciate it. They’re so ungrateful/spoiled/selfish.”(2nd red flag, see below) Sometimes they allow for the tiniest bit of responsibility to be taken because they think it makes them sound better. It’s typically just “I wasn’t a perfect parent, but…” and absolutely nothing more. Right back to putting it all on their children after.
“Spoiled!”: Wow, do they love describing their kids that way. Easiest red flag to identify. If you see/hear that word from them, you’d be wise to not take anything that follows for gospel. Nparents use it all the time behind closed doors. “Ungrateful” comes up a lot, too. These are the immediate go-to terms, but you will for sure hear “selfish,” too sometimes.
Missing, missing reasons: Leaving stuff out is key to maintaining the charade. They may vaguely allude to “reasons,” but you’ll never hear ‘em. They don’t want you to.
“They used to be so sweet…”: Bonus red flags! The less common little manipulation points they’ll sprinkle on to milk it. Nparents might reminisce about how lovely their kids were when they were small (Ahem. Unknowledgeable about Mommy and Daddy’s hurtful behavior and unable to stand up for themselves is what that really means for them. They would never have even appreciated how great their kids were) Once they plant the idea that their sweet babies *must* have changed, they’ll go, “I don’t understand! I just want my good child back…” Uh huh, sure ya do. /sarcasm But what they really want is the version that was scared to tell them “no” or advocate for themselves because retaliation was inevitable. Kids grow up, learn more, and get stronger. Hence the sympathy farming from their in-name-only parents.
Theatrics: One last bonus red flag. Mommy and Daddy Dearest might ham it up and cue the fake tears. The quivering lip. The “I am truly such a victim, undeserving of this level of wretched cruelty! None before me have been so wronged!” attitude. If they come off as over the top/unbelievable, trust your gut. More often than not, you’ve found a faker who acted that way with their kids, too. NPs pile on the drama so much at home.
Now that we’ve talked about the red flags, which often show up all at once in each instance, what is there to do about it when you witness them? Sure, seeming suspicious isn’t always a guarantee that they were horrible narcissistic parents, but when you get bundles of the red flags presented to you, be wary. If you see this in the form of Internet comments, you can ignore it if you wish, but irl is another story. You could potentially keep your response semi-neutral. Maybe say something like, “I see. Perhaps your kids just needed their space or some time alone.” and leave it at that.
Some of us get bold or petty after dealing with really ugly narcissism episodes personally. I certainly wouldn’t recommend it unless you yourself feel strongly about it, but that’s up to you. If you want to go that route, a tip: Keep your tone indifferent, but casually point out the missing reasons. Me, I like to tell them, “Well, how people treat others is often unclear to them when strong feelings cloud their judgment. Maybe your kids have a valid reason for going NC that you haven’t recognized.” They’ll get mad, but I’ve seen far worse. Don’t say that yourself. I’m a fiery, vengeful creature who’s been personally hurt by narcissists many times over. I don’t hold back on this stuff. I just make sure to keep others informed for future reference after I put Narcissistic Parent Cretins back in their place. I’ve shown you their NPC red flags, so now the rest is up to you.
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